3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
