I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
3pm strippers are depressing
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
