Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
