Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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