How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
