I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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