Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
