Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
