Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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