i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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