I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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