There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
