that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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