I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
