Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You have to summon your inner elephant
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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