ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
