im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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