i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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