I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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