I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
