Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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