yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
