Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
