whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
