official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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