Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
