Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
