I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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