If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
