were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
