You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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