My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
