i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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