I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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