I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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