Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
