i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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