if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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