Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
