He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
