I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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