you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
