just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
