Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
