My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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