Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
