So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize