no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just want nice things and good sex
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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