We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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