the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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