4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize