So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
she looked like the before picture.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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