You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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