census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
