How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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