Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
