Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
