Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
