My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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